As I approach this October 16th, I find it hard to define my feelings as it is the same day when I lost my mummy two years back. I feel sad, good, grateful, deprived, strong, vulnerable, and a hundred other things. My memories, thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about life and loss have gotten all mixed up. Thinking why I am feeling good at this point of time? Because I felt I am fortunate to had a mother like you. I am being emotional, but it is fine. Life after a loss like this makes everything complicated and if I didn’t know that it was normal to experience grief years after a loss, I think I’d be feeling pretty strange right about now so I am going to write whatever comes to my mind.
No words can describe the feeling when I realize that you are no more. It’s a feeling like no other. It was very difficult to accept the truth. You passed on just too soon. Most times it feels like it was yesterday, and other times it feels like it’s been hundreds of years since I last saw your warm and beautiful face. I love you mama, words could never be enough to describe how much I miss you. I keep myself occupied as much as I could to skip moments of reminding myself that you are no more with us. Our family becomes incomplete without you. Papa becomes alone. I have a complaint to god why he took away mummy from us so soon. I was not having my grandmother from both sides. I had only a few mother figures in my life like Mummy, Mausi and (Bari)Maa god has snatched most of them from me, I really miss you all.
I really wish I could see you again, wish to eat foods cooked by you, I wish to talk to you for hours. As a mother, you provided everything we needed. I long for your warm hugs every time it breaks my heart. I often wish you could come back and see my sister Polly (Isha) progressing in life as you always dream for. She’s strong, just like you. She’s overcome so much since you left. After you how she is handling our home and the incomplete family firmly with lots of love and care. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye — one last hug; I wish your life had been easier; I wish you could have survived few more years until we both sisters got married. I wish you were around on my wedding day; I wish you welcome your son-in-laws and grandchildren with lots of affection; I wish heaven should have visiting hours so I could visit you like I used to do in hospital. I wish you could bless us for growing in personal and professional life. I wish you could visit with me Bangalore once in a flight. I often wonder what lessons you’d have taught me if you were still around. Could I have missed out on something that others get from their mothers? I’ll never know.
I hope you are in a better place looking down on us with a smile and nodding your head with pride for whatever your daughters are doing to fulfill your dreams. I want to tell you and the world you’ll always be in our hearts forever. I love you mummy!! To the world you were one person, but to me you were the world. I am grateful to you for all those uncountable deeds which you have done for me. You were precious a gift from God, so much beauty, grace, love and patience you possessed. You touched my heart in so many ways, your strength and smile even on dark days strengthened my soul.
I am supposed to go home after a year on covid lockdown but I am not much excited to be there as you will be there. I remember the joy and excitement on your face by seeing me just after reaching home; I remember days when I used to go home on vacations and how you used to cook hundreds of tasty dishes for me, especially mutton.
A mother’s love impacts us in an incredible way, always guiding and protecting, which can be felt long after they are gone. You taught me how to overcome any challenges of life. You praised me whenever I did good and pointed out my mistakes with that gentle voice. You encouraged me to work hard in school and taught me how to read and write. My mother also taught me to take care of others and the difference between right and wrong. She taught me to make the right decisions and reminded me always to be kind and love everyone. I still remember your voice when you narrate bedtime stories and chants while you were worshipping gods. Now I am searching you in all mothers, I meet.
It devastated me when you felt ill again and again. In a matter of days, the smile on your face disappeared and was replaced by pain. I remember how hard we all tried to save you but couldn’t be successful at it. I wish you could have recovered from all those illnesses. I don’t know how to handle papa without you somehow I am managing to keep him happy but don’t know how to make him happy even without you he misses you a lot. He always appreciates you for all you have done for him.
The way you handled our family in all the tough time and the way you have supported us in studies and papa in setting up and running business is appreciable. By this act you showed us how can we should stand up again every time after failing down. Whole society was in shock after hearing the bad news that you are no more everybody was like she was fine each day use to go to shop to assist papa in business with full enthusim. Because of your polite nature many relatives, neighbors and friends had console us and support us in our hard time and are still supporting. I am thankful to each of them from the core of my heart.
You gave us all the best you could, yet we took those selfless loves from you for granted and never ever thought a day like this would come. Mamma, you tried so hard I know. You gave a never ending supply of love to us your children. While growing whenever people said you why don’t you tried for a son you always responded them by saying these two daughters are only my son and daughters, so bless us we both fulfill all your dreams and make you even more proud.
My mother was not too much skilled with pen and paper; yet, her life and brevity, her passion for life, her compassion for others, her enthusiasms for earning and growing always. I am forever grateful for the influence that your love, wisdom, discipline and guidance had in my life.
Mummy you left us with wonderful memories are like a precious treasure that I locked in my heart. Your teachings are still our guide, although we cannot see you, but I know you’re always at our side.